Scientists are not exactly famous for speaking clearly except to each other. My friend and fellow Science Club author Mike Bennett recently sent me the classic example: a “scientist” explaining how the reciprocating dingle arm confabulating smoke blower pro actually works.

   “Several years ago” Mike emailed, “Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy-duty transmission business. They were getting ready to tape a first introduction video, and as a warm-up, the professional narrator taped what has become a legend within the trucking industry. This man should have won an Academy Award for his stellar performance. This was strictly off-the-cuff, nothing was written down. This movie of him introducing the Reciprocating Dingle Arm Confabulating Smoke Blower Pro became the biggest talk in the industry.”

[Movie begins. Distinguished-looking white-lab-coated “scientist” in a classroom with a poster on the wall of a catalytic converter and a drawing of a truck engine on a display board. He starts talking, without notes, looking straight at the camera the whole time—and doesn’t hesitate or stumble over a single one of the 235 words.]

   “For a number of years now work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a transmission that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal gram-meters. Such an instrument is the turbo-encabulator. Now basically, the only new principle involved is that instead of power being generated by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes, it is produced by the modial interaction of magneto-reluctance and capacitive directants. The original machine had a base plate of prefamulated amulite surmounted by a malleable logrithmic casing in such a way that the two Sperbing bearings were in a direct line with the panametric fam. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic Marzle vanes sulfitted to the amovatient lunar wane-shaft so that side-fumbling was effectively prevented. The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panadermic semi-bolloid slots of the stater, every seventh conductor being connected by a non-reversible tarny pipe to the differential girdle spring on the up-end of the grammies. The turbo-encabulator has now reached a high level of development, and it’s being successfully used in the operation of novatrunients. Moreover, whenever a ferrescent score-motion is required, it may also be employed in conjunction with a drawn reciprocation dingle-arm to reduce soynosoidal repleneration. It’s not cheap, but I’m sure the government will buy it.”

[White-lab-coated “scientist” holds up sign reading: “$750,000,000.” Movie ends.]

To watch the whole hilarious thing for yourself:

http://home.comcast.net/~steveham21/turbo.mpg